Welcome

Long, long ago I peed on a stick.  That stick told me I was 1 week pregnant.

Welcome to my world.  First time mom.  Over sharer.  I could go back and tell you how the last 42 weeks went... but lets just start with the moment I'm living right now.

Its 1:40 am.  K is asleep on my chest.  After I feed her I let her sleep there.  Its our time to just be alone.  Especially in the middle of the night.   Nothing to do.  No other responsibilities except hold her. 

Today she pooped on me.  One of those crowning moments as a mom.  Nothing says parenthood like...my child had a bodily function on me and I didn't run to a fire hose and spray myself off.

The other day she spit up and it pooled in my bra...I didn't even change until the next day.

Becoming a mom is challenging.   I constantly worry if what she is doing is normal.  If I allowed myself to think about the possibility of something going wrong I'd never sleep.  So I have to distract myself.

I think the question I've been asked the most is "how are you doing?"  Followed by a more concerned...very somber "how are you doing?" 

I have been married to my husband long enough.  I have repeated a question or two.  He once told me I should accept the first answer because asking the same question a second time won't change his reply.

So now as people follow up their question with the same question... I want to say, my answer won't change if you ask me that again. But I allowed the concerned woman at church to dig deep into my inner soul as much as she would like.

How am I doing?

Good.  Most of this is natural to me. My mind,  my body, it knows what to do.  Other things. Oh those other things.  Are down right the scariest things I've experienced.  The fear that consumes my mind when something abnormal occurs.... If I let it,  I'd go nuts.

Motherhood has been the scariest thing I've done.  It's overwhelming.  You are on the verge of tears all the time.  A simple "you are doing great" could set you off into the ugly cry.  But somehow you keep it together,  you change diapers,  you survive on the littlest amount of sleep, and your baby still smiles at you.

We survive.  She is worth it.

So little sis (K's nick name),

I'm doing the best I can,  the best I know how.  I will have a lot of bad mom moments (like Wednesday night),  but you still give me those sleepy smiles.  I've never done this mom of a newborn thing before so I'm learning everyday.  Forgive me now and I promise to forgive you in 16 years when you wreck my car. 

-Mom