The good days

I have come to notice I like writing when I have bad days

So let me focus on some good things.

K is 4 weeks old today.
She likes farting, pooping and eating.
She mostly likes to sleep but sometimes those darn poops wake her up.
She slept 6 hours last night,
Woke up for an hour and a half to eat and fart (farting took 60 minutes)
Then slept for another 3 hours.
Then woke up ate and slept for 2 more hours.
I showered today.
Did my hair and make up.
It was glorious.
I also got to visit my old job that I miss so much.

She has been sleeping at least one big 4 hour stretch at night and a couple 2-3 hour ones.

She takes a big nap (4 hours) in the afternoon usually around 1 or 2.
She loves to watch the fan spin.
Mom also loves that she is so mellow during the day.
When she isnt eating or pooping
I can usually let her sit and stare at the fan.
I have been able to do dishes and laundry.
Thats about all that gets done here.

Basically the last few days have been good.
Once I started tracking how much she was sleeping it has made a difference.
Who knows why but now I'm more aware of how long she is awake.
How much she is sleeping and if she I getting enough sleep.

Today

I laid in my bed just staring at the ceiling.
It's light enough I can make out the texture.
I can see the red blink of the fire detector.
I feel the streams of tears pour out the corners of my eyes.
They are pooling in my hair.

Today was hard.
Not because she is difficult.
Not because she cries.
She sleeps pretty good.
She poops a lot.
She rarely cries.
She is getting enough food.
But because I am exhausted.
The lack of sleep caught up to me today.

I watched the clock waiting for my husband to get home.
I counted down the hours.
The minutes.
Listened for his truck to stop in front of our house.

I told her I love her.
I told her it wasn't her fault.
I told her to be patient with me today.

My mom was right when she said your first born will have a lot of tears fall on their head.

My arm ached from holding her for so long.
It took me a few minutes to regain my strength in that wrist.
But she was asleep.
The tears didn't phase her.
It's for the best.

I kissed her forehead and that was that.  One more day down.
I can do this. 

Dear K

Hey pretty girl,

I know you get frustrated with me.
I can hear it in your cries.
I'm still trying to figure this out.
I haven't a clue what to do.
I'm making this up as I go.

All I know is that I love you.
I think that's good enough for now.
We are living off love and poptarts at 3 am.

Yesterday I learned a lot about you.
You have both your dad and my need to be alone. 
Our need to not be touched too much.
You were crying so I laid you down just to see what wound happen.
You stopped immediately. 
You watched the fan.
I let you sit for half an hour and tried to touch you.
You screamed until I stopped.
Then you sat alone not wanting to be touched for another hour.
I did the dishes.

I love you.
We love you.
We really do.

We are still learning how to be parents.
I'm sorry.

My boss

I knew what I was getting into.
I knew that being a stay at home mom meant just that.
I knew K would be with me all day until my husband got home.
I knew I'd be the only one waking up with her in the middle of the night.

But man is my boss in charge.
I guess you don't know what it's like to be on call 24/7 for a little person who can't talk until you are...
She dictates my entire life. 
When I can sleep.
When I can pee.
When I can eat.
When I can go to the store.
I serve her all day long every day.
She can't change her own diaper.
She can't feed herself.
She can't even lift her head for that long right now.
She needs me.  To do everything but poop.
She has pooping on her own down.

I have gained a huge amount of respect for moms and dads in the last 3 weeks.
I knew the job was hard.
I didn't know it was this hard.

I no longer have an ounce of judgement in my body for the mom at the store who looks like she hasn't showered in days.
Because I forget to brush my teeth almost every morning (sorry dr.)
I find myself sniffing my arm pits to see if I remembered deodorant that morning (usually its a negative).
I don't normally shower until the husband comes home.. unless I can squeeze it in during her first nap of the day.

I find myself smiling at the dad who took the kids to the grocery store all by himself because that means his wife is somewhere relaxing (I hope).  Even if his kids are screaming and begging for mom.  He's a good dad.

This job is the hardest job I have ever had.  I am overwhelmed at times... but most the time my heart is so full. I am so thankful.  And I feel so utterly blessed. 

I like my new title. Mom.
I think it fits.

NICU

I think the scariest moment was seeing her hooked up to machines. 
Machines that beeped anytime anything was "wrong".

For the first 24 hours of her life she had a temperature of 99.5
Thats not bad, but its borderline.
Enough that my nurse checked her every hour for the first night.
I didn't sleep.
Around 4 am the first night she spiked to 100.6
And for the hour after than my nurse came in every 15-20 minutes until it went down.
Like I said her first night I didnt sleep.

Although both my husband and I were ready to check out the Ped Dr thought we should stay one more day just to make sure she didn't have an infection.

They took blood, they ran tests.   They said she had to be there for 48 more hours.

That night around 840 pm when the nurse came to do vitals she noticed K had gone blue around the lips when she was taking her temperature... she was screaming her head off. 

She asked us if we had noticed.
We both said she doesn't cry.
So no we hadn't noticed.

Going blue around her lips meant she wasn't getting enough oxygen.

So the nurse slapped the oxygen reader on her and K would dip to 82-92.  She stayed around 87-92.  Ideally the nurse wanted K to be at 95-100.

The charge nurse was called after 15 minutes of her dipping.  They gave her a little oxygen to help boost her. And then called the Ped Dr.  When the Ped Dr finally called back we were told K needed to go to the NICU to be monitored and have a chest X ray.

That first night in the NICU was hard.
However luckily my brother is a NICU Dr.
After talking to him he told me what to watch for.  What it all meant.  I was reassured that things were going uphill.

We went back to our room.  She was there... In the NICU.  They told me they would call my room every time she was hungry.

So about every 3 hours I would get a phone call. Walk to the NICU unit and feed her.

The first feeding they told me she had dipped low but she came back.

By the second feeding she had dipped low enough and not recovered they put oxygen through her nose.

I remember seeing her.  With the stickers on her cheek and I held her and just cried.
The night came and went. And by the next morning we knew a little more.  All of her tests were looking good.  She didn't have any signs of infections. Her chest xray came back normal.
She was healthy other than dipping in her oxygen levels.

I was discharged that day. And we went home with out our baby. 

Which is hard. Not what you want to do.
At our 3 pm feeding they told us if all went well and if she could stay on room air (no tubes) for 6 hours they would let me come room in with her.  And if the rooming in went well we could go home.

So at our 9 pm feeding they said we could stay there in her room.  She had been on room air for 6 hours and didn't dip.

That meant that K would be able to sleep with no monitors and the nurse would only come in every 4 hours to check her vitals.  1 am and 5 am.

Both vital checks over night went well.

The next morning the day nurse came back to get her and said after rounds if the Dr approves, and all her tests come back negative we could  take her home that day.

I fed her at 9 and told the nurse I'd be back at 10 ready to go.

The nurse was older. A grandma and was awesome.
She worked so hard to get the paperwork ready and by noon we were out of there.  K in tote and we were going home.  One of the nurses said they have never had a discharge ready before 3 pm so we must be lucky.

I realize our stint in the NICU was nothing. It was a measly two day experience where nothing real scary happened.  But I saw a side of my husband I have never seen before.
I experienced so many emotions... I saw him become so protective over her.   She will always have her advocates by her side.  We will always watch over her and protect her.

We will always love her.

Birth story

Monday was my final doctors appt.  Monday the 14th. 
When my Dr asked what I wanted to do I said "get this baby out of me..." which translates to I would like to be induced please.

My options were Tuesday,  Thursday or Friday.  If I decided on Tuesday or Thursday he told me he only worked from 8-5, so I ran the risk of having the on call Dr deliver me if it was after 5.  I of course said I would get her out before 5.

The hospital was full for Tuesday but they put me on the waiting list. If I didn't get a phone call then I'd have to wait until Thursday.

Monday I night came and went and at 6 am on the dot I got the call. They asked how soon I could get there and I said "10 minutes if you want".  They told me to come in at 7, eat some breakfast and relax a little.

I quickly called Brad.  No answer.
So I called his mom, told her.
Woke up my mom, told her.
And tried 6 more times to call Brad.

Finally he called back and I was out the door to the hospital.

They started me on pitocin right away, and they moved it from 2...to 4... to 6...and then around 9:45 my doctor came in and broke my water.  The contractions prior to my water breaking were nothing... then as soon as my water broke man did they hurt.  I was still dialted to a 4 when he broke my water.  I was told I needed to wait it out.  The nurse told me she would be back in two hours to check me.

I asked her if I wanted an epidural that I needed to feel the pain, and it needed to hurt bad, but I needed to be able to sit still during a contraction.

So about 45 minutes went by and I decided to call my nurse and asked her for "one of those epidurals".  The pain was strong and Brad would watch the monitor and tell me when the big ones were letting down.

The lady came in about 20 minutes later, gave me my epidural and life got good. I could finally talk through each contraction and joke around.  I told Brad to go home get lunch because my nurse wouldn't be back for another 2 hours to check me.

Luckily Brad came back quicker than expected.   Because about an hour and 15 minutes went by and I knew it was go time.

Every contraction I had to fight to keep from pushing.   When the nurse came in to check me I was dilated to a 9. It was 1:30ish.  I told my parents,  and my nurse hurried and called to get a clean table and other help in the room. I don't think she thought I'd progress so fast.

She was in the phone calling to get everything ready while she and Brad held my legs.   I did about 3-4 contractions worth of practice pushes to get Kate past my pelvic bone.  Poor Brad is scarred because he had to help,  and saw Kates head.

Then the doctor came and three contractions later she was on my chest.  2:07 pm on July 15th 2014 she was here.  I sort of just looked at her in awe.  She was there.  Chubby cheeks and all. 

Brad changed her diaper, swaddled her and that was that.  Over all my labor was 6 hours.  I pushed for about 25-35 minutes.   I feel lucky.  I realize I am lucky.  Labor was easier for me than I expected.

I am one of those weird people who enjoyed being pregnant and enjoyed giving birth. 

My recovery so far has been good. My stitches no longer hurt, and my body has gone from firm and pregnant to squishy.

I am learning to love this new me.  Not be hard on myself.  Or my new body because it did something amazing and I will forever be grateful for what it did.

What hurt? 

Getting an IV and epidural did not hurt.  They both felt like bee stings.   What hurt the most is getting stitched up after.  Dang that hurt. I almost cried.

What is motherhood

I have a lot of friends who can't get pregnant.  I have friends who adopt.  I have friends who struggle getting pregnant.  I have a lot of friends who have tried IVF. I have friends who had a success with IVF and friends who didn't.

I remember asking a few of them what the hardest part about mothers day was... Most said that women don't realize what they are saying... phrases like "having so and so made me a mom"  ... "I didn't know love until I had so and so" ... and things like that.

I was curious if I'd think the same things when I gave birth to K.  If my feelings were the same. 

I didn't.  They weren't.

Let me tell you when I became a mom. To me being a mom is being able to unconditionally love someone.   When your feelings,  thoughts,  safety becomes less important than someone else.  I became a mom when I felt unconditional love. It wasn't even for someone else.... They felt it for me. 

My parents taught me unconditional love.   They are the best.  My mom... she's amazing.  She loves me... even though I really don't deserve it.  I've put her through more than any mom should.  But she still serves me.  She still loves me.  She'd do anything to make me happy. 

I learned what a mom is... from my mom.   That's when I became a mom.   When I no longer deserved the love she gave me... but she gave it freely. And without strings.

So I've been a mom since I could comprehend the extent of unconditional love... and even then I'm still learning just how deep that love is.  I didn't need to have a baby to learn what a mom is. Or to feel like I'm a mom.

Welcome

Long, long ago I peed on a stick.  That stick told me I was 1 week pregnant.

Welcome to my world.  First time mom.  Over sharer.  I could go back and tell you how the last 42 weeks went... but lets just start with the moment I'm living right now.

Its 1:40 am.  K is asleep on my chest.  After I feed her I let her sleep there.  Its our time to just be alone.  Especially in the middle of the night.   Nothing to do.  No other responsibilities except hold her. 

Today she pooped on me.  One of those crowning moments as a mom.  Nothing says parenthood like...my child had a bodily function on me and I didn't run to a fire hose and spray myself off.

The other day she spit up and it pooled in my bra...I didn't even change until the next day.

Becoming a mom is challenging.   I constantly worry if what she is doing is normal.  If I allowed myself to think about the possibility of something going wrong I'd never sleep.  So I have to distract myself.

I think the question I've been asked the most is "how are you doing?"  Followed by a more concerned...very somber "how are you doing?" 

I have been married to my husband long enough.  I have repeated a question or two.  He once told me I should accept the first answer because asking the same question a second time won't change his reply.

So now as people follow up their question with the same question... I want to say, my answer won't change if you ask me that again. But I allowed the concerned woman at church to dig deep into my inner soul as much as she would like.

How am I doing?

Good.  Most of this is natural to me. My mind,  my body, it knows what to do.  Other things. Oh those other things.  Are down right the scariest things I've experienced.  The fear that consumes my mind when something abnormal occurs.... If I let it,  I'd go nuts.

Motherhood has been the scariest thing I've done.  It's overwhelming.  You are on the verge of tears all the time.  A simple "you are doing great" could set you off into the ugly cry.  But somehow you keep it together,  you change diapers,  you survive on the littlest amount of sleep, and your baby still smiles at you.

We survive.  She is worth it.

So little sis (K's nick name),

I'm doing the best I can,  the best I know how.  I will have a lot of bad mom moments (like Wednesday night),  but you still give me those sleepy smiles.  I've never done this mom of a newborn thing before so I'm learning everyday.  Forgive me now and I promise to forgive you in 16 years when you wreck my car. 

-Mom