Fleeting

I love her little hand.
Her fingers.
Her wrinkles.
Gosh.
I love it all.
The great days far out weigh the hard days.
Everyday I watch her eyes,
She's learning.
It's one of those truly beautiful things.
I think we often forget how amazing that is.
How amazing it is to watch someone discover this beautiful world we live in.

She's 3 months tomorrow.

She just discovered her hands this week. 
She will sit and move her fingers and watch.
Intertwining her fingers.
She tries to roll,  not quite there.
She chuckles.  It melts me.
She's starting to get bashful when you smile at her.
She will pull her shoulders up near her face and turn her head...
Almost like... oh you're looking at me.

She talks your ear off and is making so many new sounds.
She loves mirrors and seeing herself.
She loves being talked to.
She's such a happy baby it's ridiculous. 

Fun facts

Diaper size: 2

Clothes: 3-6, some 6-9 

Still loves bath time!

Has slept through the night for 2 nights in a row

Two months

Girl Friend.
Where did the time go?
9 weeks already.
2 months.
Time slow down.

Fun facts
Diapers: size 1
Clothes: 3-6 months (she is tall)
Has found: her voice she loves to coo.
Her big old smile! She loves when you sing to her. Her fist! She loves to chew on her fist!
Can almost sleep through the night.

She is just happy. Strong and stubborn like her parents. She loves bath time and being talked to.  She gets mad if you suck her boogers out. Has the longest eye lashes (like her dad).  Has a mix of Dads sky blue eyes and Moms dark blue grey eyes.  She gets scared when the dog barks in her ears... to the point she cried for an hour last night because of it.

She likes noise and the tv on and loves to eat food.

We love you so much.

Moments

There are perfect moments.
The moments when I'm holding you
That make it worth it.

Being a mom is hard work.
It's exhausting most days.
And the short breaks I get
Are usually occupied by dishes
Or laundry...
Or grocery shopping.

Slowly but surely I'm getting the hang.
I feel confident in my parenting.
I love watching you smile.
I crave your warmth.
I feel like I have known you all my life.

A few years ago I was depressed. 
Depressed enough I didn't want to live anymore.
I prayed, oh how I prayed for a purpose.
I have very vivid dreams. 
Almost every night.
After months of longing to be gone from this world I had a dream.
I felt happy.
I was smiling.
I was sitting in a grassy field
Crossed legged
And this sweet little girl was sitting in my lap
She was only 3 or 4
Giggling as I tickled her toes.
She had curly blonde hair and deep blue eyes
I was peaceful and calm
All was right in this world.
She was perfect.
My reason to live.

I've known since then I was going to have a little girl first.
You brighten up our lives;
Make us better people.
Better parents.
Better teammates.

You have my heart forever.

He told me I wouldn't regret it.

On Sunday we say in our normal spot on the bench at church.
The dad next to me asked how old she was.
I replied "8 weeks this Tuesday"

We chatted about how quick they grow,
And how in a b blink they will be grown up.

Then he turned to me and said "take as many photos as you can a day,  you will never regret it."

He was right.  No photo of mine would ever be regretted.
I want to remember it all.

I have seen far too many friends lose husband's... children.
They don't regret the sneaky photo the wife took if the husband changing a diaper.
Or the funny face their son pulled just before he pooped.
Its those every day little moments that are so perfect.
So for now I will be so grateful that cell phones have good cameras,
And that modern day technologies allow me remember it all with photos.

I do it for you

Little miss. Its been 7 weeks.
Time is flying.
This week I was given the okay to work out again.
I missed sweating and being active.
I also loved being pregnant.
I was very confident when I was pregnant.
I felt so comfortable in my own skin.

But now seven weeks have gone by.
My cute little pregnant belly is no longer round.
Its squishy and my skin sags.
So this week I decided I was going to be the mom that you can be proud of.
I am determined to feel the same way I felt pregnant.
Confident.
Comfortable.

I want to be the mom who is healthy and loves her body.
I want you to see how much work it takes to be that way.
I want you to be proud of your strong mom.
I want to be the mom who you see work out.

So K you might look at me funny when I am trying to latin dance while you sit in the swing.
But I am doing it for you.
I am doing it so you can see how important it is to love yourself.

I love you K, you make me a better person every day.

The good days

I have come to notice I like writing when I have bad days

So let me focus on some good things.

K is 4 weeks old today.
She likes farting, pooping and eating.
She mostly likes to sleep but sometimes those darn poops wake her up.
She slept 6 hours last night,
Woke up for an hour and a half to eat and fart (farting took 60 minutes)
Then slept for another 3 hours.
Then woke up ate and slept for 2 more hours.
I showered today.
Did my hair and make up.
It was glorious.
I also got to visit my old job that I miss so much.

She has been sleeping at least one big 4 hour stretch at night and a couple 2-3 hour ones.

She takes a big nap (4 hours) in the afternoon usually around 1 or 2.
She loves to watch the fan spin.
Mom also loves that she is so mellow during the day.
When she isnt eating or pooping
I can usually let her sit and stare at the fan.
I have been able to do dishes and laundry.
Thats about all that gets done here.

Basically the last few days have been good.
Once I started tracking how much she was sleeping it has made a difference.
Who knows why but now I'm more aware of how long she is awake.
How much she is sleeping and if she I getting enough sleep.

Today

I laid in my bed just staring at the ceiling.
It's light enough I can make out the texture.
I can see the red blink of the fire detector.
I feel the streams of tears pour out the corners of my eyes.
They are pooling in my hair.

Today was hard.
Not because she is difficult.
Not because she cries.
She sleeps pretty good.
She poops a lot.
She rarely cries.
She is getting enough food.
But because I am exhausted.
The lack of sleep caught up to me today.

I watched the clock waiting for my husband to get home.
I counted down the hours.
The minutes.
Listened for his truck to stop in front of our house.

I told her I love her.
I told her it wasn't her fault.
I told her to be patient with me today.

My mom was right when she said your first born will have a lot of tears fall on their head.

My arm ached from holding her for so long.
It took me a few minutes to regain my strength in that wrist.
But she was asleep.
The tears didn't phase her.
It's for the best.

I kissed her forehead and that was that.  One more day down.
I can do this.